If you have an Instagram account, you’ve probably seen the sponsored pictures of bloggers pop up on your homepage every now and then. This is an open letter to all the “official public figures”: please stop.
1. Calling themselves influencers.
ARE YOU GANDHI?! Bombarding us with 10 pictures of yourself a day is not influencing me to do anything but unfollow you and pity your need for false social approval garnered through likes.
2. Product placements gone wrong.
Oh, you want me to believe you organically bought 5 tubs of Nivea’s latest body cream and happened to put them on your bed in such a carefree manner that it actually turned out to be a pretty majestic photograph?
3. Being like “I swear this isn’t an ad” before every single ad you post.
4. Tagging every item of clothing you’re wearing/the designer of your toilet.
Just to show that you have one expensive handbag involved in your day-to-day outfits.
5. Forcing your family members into your pictures.
The tormented mother, the disappointed father, the confused little brother, all alongside a cheery caption insinuating that you put your family before everything.
6. Announcing new months by saying, #HelloMonth
7. Inspirational quotes – the fact that you are a self-proclaimed influencer means you have 0 inspiration.
If you need to post an inspirational quote on Instagram, it means, point blank, you are an uninspired human being. If you do so as an ‘influencer’, it’s double the damage.
8. Cross pollinating posts.
Uploading the same shit on Snapchat, Instagram, Instagram Stories, Facebook, and Twitter, just to 100% guarantee that everyone who could’ve possibly seen it has, and the ones who haven’t have definitely blocked you or skipped your shit.
9. Trying to get any and everything for free.
You really don’t need to tag @any whenever you’re pictured next to a glass of water. Can you really not fathom the prospect of paying .50 LE for a bottle of water?
10. Forcing your friends into your pictures when you realize you’ve uploaded too many consecutive selfies lately.
12. Pretending you’re at a #MorningMeeting every morning, when you don’t have a 9-5 job and you’re clearly sitting at an overpriced cafe in Arkan Plaza watching the day waste away through your insta-spectacle.
13. Offensive boomerangs of your stupid skirt.
We get it. When girls wear skirts, they flutter in the wind. This effect was reserved for the wind. Do not post 10 consecutive Instagram Stories of your skirt being forced to flutter in a constant boomerang. It makes us dizzy and it’s annoying.
14. Flashing your Rolex watch and Cartier love bracelet at every chance you get.
15. Subjecting your pet to public fame.
Gucci did not sign up for this.
16. Posting responses to followers like “for those of you asking about my lipstick color…”
LET’S BE HONEST WE ALL KNOW AIN’T NOBODY ASKING ABOUT YOUR LIPSTICK COLOR
17. Acting like it’s adorable to eat.
“Pizza first, boyfriends later.” WHY ARE YOU ACTING LIKE YOU’RE A MYSTICAL EGYPTIAN UNICORN FOR LIKING THE TASTE OF FOOD?
18. Writing quotes about coffee.
“But first, coffee.” To insinuate that your life is so action-packed and that the only way you survive it is through the magical grace of the coffee bean.
19. Adding the word ‘official’ to your username once you surpass 1,000 followers.
Today is not that day.